Let's go to the movies!
Mar. 27th, 2002 02:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
geebsFound that old movie plot I thunk up (and by thunk up, I mean totally plagarize from several sources. Hey, I think of it as an homage):
Okay, how about this for a movie story:
It starts out at an all-girls private school. Denise Richards and Sarah Michelle Gellar play wicked step sisters. They are cold, manipulative bitches who use sex to rule the school. Their current peeve is Jennifer Love Hewitt, who plays a goody-goody transfer student who accidentally steals one of their boy-toys with her fresh, down-to-earth charm.
Their revenge starts with them trying to seduce this guy and having a threesome with him, which they will secretly tape and send to Jennifer. However, the boy refuses, and they continue on without him. They do have enough on tape to fool Jennifer into thinking he succumbed.
Then we cut away to a dark council table. Sitting in front of the table on three thrones are Sean Connery, James Earl Jones, and Ricardo Montelban, who play Sanchez, Duhm, and Kahn, the ruling council of a secret cult of almost immortal ubermensch who worship Set. It turns out the all-girls school is on top of a locus which they plan to use to open the gates of hell, specifically, the first ring of the seventh circle (violence against others), where the meanest, baddest, motherfuckers in all of history are imprisoned.
Suddenly, Wesley Snipes crashes through the glass roof and lands on the conference table. He uses guns, swords, and fancy kicking to kill all in the council room. Unfortunately, he finds out that the Khan, Sanchez, and Duhm there are really just dopplegangers, and they have already set their plan into action. As he is halfway around the world, he warns his contacts in the city near the school.
We then cut back to Jennifer, who is in an amusement park with the stuipid boy. He is trying to apologize. Then, we see them through the scope of a sniper. This is Chow Yun Fat, who plays Lee, an assassin hired to kill Jennifer in order to punish her father who tried to blow the whistle on the Heroin smuggling ring he is involved in. However, he can't bring himself to kill her. Just as he is about to leave, a shot rings out, and the boy's head erupts in a fountain of blood. CYF quickly scans the area where the shot came from to see, Nick Cage, who plays Trey, his rival in the Assassin's guild who is trying to usurp Lee as top assassin. Lee quickly fires off a few shots, and runs and grabs Jen Love. CYF stops a guy in a BMW
M5, forces him out, and speeds off. More gunshots fire off, and Lee looks in his mirror to see Nick chasing him in an Audi S8. A car chase ensues, with lots of bullets and explosions. Finally, he tells Jen to rip out the fuse for the anti-lock breaks and forces the car in a spin. He fires a shot off into the windshield of Nick's S8, and
Nick crashes. CYF and JLH speed off back to school. We then see a motorist stopped near the crashed S8. Nick crawls out and the motorist asks him if he's ok. Nick sez "Take one god damn guess!" and puts a bullet in the fool's head.
Back at the school, we see Jennifer and CYF in her bathroom cleaning up. She thanks him, but suddenly the lights turn out. The cult storms into the school, killing the few security guards, and dragging the nubile young school girls out of their rooms and into the auditorium. We see one scene where Nick Cage is cutting a guard's throat while the lights turn out. Curious about what is happenning, he hides. CYF and Jennifer get away, and bump into SMG and Denise, who are also hiding. They run off to the kitchen, where they find Steve Buscemi, who plays a crazy, wise-cracking chef. CYF gives Steve Buscemi one of his Berettas and tells him to protect the girls while he goes off to save the day.
Chow Yun Fat wanders the campus, and bumps into some of the terrorists starting an arcane ritual. He quickly gets into a shoot-out with them, and kills one of the high-priests before being chased off by the evil triumpherate of Khan, Duhm, and Sanchez, and their top lt, played by Jet Li. As they discuss how CYF could ruin things, Nick appears and offers to kill him for them. Jet Li smirks and they trade dangerous evil glances. The council says,"That's enough!" and tells them to both go after him.
We glance outside to see Bruce Willis and Mel Gibson, who play two crazy but good cops, who've been demoted to patrolling. They are sent to the girl's school to check out a report of vandalism. The police thinks the whole ordeal is just some crazy kids causing trouble. Thinking this is a shit assignment, Mel and Bruce check it out and see that trouble is a brewing. They enter the school for a better look.
Meanwhile, Denise and SMG work on Buscemi. They seduce him, get the gun and kill them. It is revealed they are the handmaidens of the council and Jennifer is to be sacrificed to open the dark portal.
CYF on the other hand is in the dining room. He opens a kitchen door and walks right into a fancy Jet Li kick. He flies across the room, and quickly dodges Nick's bullets, firing off a few of their own. A fight ensues in the dining room, and just when CYF thinks he's gonna lose because underlings have come to help finish him off, Mel and Bruce storm in killing lots of baddies. In the confusion, Jet Li and Nick get away, and CYF and Bruce and Mel are in a Mexican stand-off. Fortunately, a man dressed in robes appears from the shadows. It is Sam the man. He tells of the betrayal by SMG and Denise. He says Jennifer is the girl who can truly bring balance to the force, and sez they should go and save her. As they go he says, "Get those motherfucking assholes!"
So they sneak into the place where the cult plans to open the gate. On an altar lies Jennifer, with Denise and SMG, clad only in white cloaks stand over her. Kahn, Duhm, and Sanchez are beginning an arcane spell while Jet Li and Nick Cage stand by looking menacing. Just as they finish their spell and are about to plunge a dagger into the supple, unclothed flesh of Jennifer, a invisible force stops them. It is Jennifer, who begins to rise above the altar, shooting fireballs at her captors. Then CYF, Bruce, and Mel storm in Berettas blazing. Obviously, this screws up the ritual and space-time folds in on itself transporting the school to the first ring of the
seventh circle of hell, but not before a truckload of Berettas comes crashing in to be transported also. Our heroes and villans away to find themselves in hell. They must quickly leave and escape, or be trapped there forever. However, as everyone knows, this place is guarded by centaurs who stop anyone from escaping. So, a shootout between the heroes and villans and centaurs, as well as the bad dudes imprisoned here occurs. Cowboys with double barrelled sawed off shotguns and Colt Peacemakers, Mongols on horseback, mad vikings abound. At one point, Mel transitions from a beretta to a claymore and takes on a bunch of Mongols charging on Horseback. CYF, Bruce, Jet, and Nick join forces and kill a bunch of shit, while Jennifer, Denise, and SMG wrestle around in hot oil.
I don't know how to end it yet, but I think it would be a pretty bad ass ending.
Okay, how about this for a movie story:
It starts out at an all-girls private school. Denise Richards and Sarah Michelle Gellar play wicked step sisters. They are cold, manipulative bitches who use sex to rule the school. Their current peeve is Jennifer Love Hewitt, who plays a goody-goody transfer student who accidentally steals one of their boy-toys with her fresh, down-to-earth charm.
Their revenge starts with them trying to seduce this guy and having a threesome with him, which they will secretly tape and send to Jennifer. However, the boy refuses, and they continue on without him. They do have enough on tape to fool Jennifer into thinking he succumbed.
Then we cut away to a dark council table. Sitting in front of the table on three thrones are Sean Connery, James Earl Jones, and Ricardo Montelban, who play Sanchez, Duhm, and Kahn, the ruling council of a secret cult of almost immortal ubermensch who worship Set. It turns out the all-girls school is on top of a locus which they plan to use to open the gates of hell, specifically, the first ring of the seventh circle (violence against others), where the meanest, baddest, motherfuckers in all of history are imprisoned.
Suddenly, Wesley Snipes crashes through the glass roof and lands on the conference table. He uses guns, swords, and fancy kicking to kill all in the council room. Unfortunately, he finds out that the Khan, Sanchez, and Duhm there are really just dopplegangers, and they have already set their plan into action. As he is halfway around the world, he warns his contacts in the city near the school.
We then cut back to Jennifer, who is in an amusement park with the stuipid boy. He is trying to apologize. Then, we see them through the scope of a sniper. This is Chow Yun Fat, who plays Lee, an assassin hired to kill Jennifer in order to punish her father who tried to blow the whistle on the Heroin smuggling ring he is involved in. However, he can't bring himself to kill her. Just as he is about to leave, a shot rings out, and the boy's head erupts in a fountain of blood. CYF quickly scans the area where the shot came from to see, Nick Cage, who plays Trey, his rival in the Assassin's guild who is trying to usurp Lee as top assassin. Lee quickly fires off a few shots, and runs and grabs Jen Love. CYF stops a guy in a BMW
M5, forces him out, and speeds off. More gunshots fire off, and Lee looks in his mirror to see Nick chasing him in an Audi S8. A car chase ensues, with lots of bullets and explosions. Finally, he tells Jen to rip out the fuse for the anti-lock breaks and forces the car in a spin. He fires a shot off into the windshield of Nick's S8, and
Nick crashes. CYF and JLH speed off back to school. We then see a motorist stopped near the crashed S8. Nick crawls out and the motorist asks him if he's ok. Nick sez "Take one god damn guess!" and puts a bullet in the fool's head.
Back at the school, we see Jennifer and CYF in her bathroom cleaning up. She thanks him, but suddenly the lights turn out. The cult storms into the school, killing the few security guards, and dragging the nubile young school girls out of their rooms and into the auditorium. We see one scene where Nick Cage is cutting a guard's throat while the lights turn out. Curious about what is happenning, he hides. CYF and Jennifer get away, and bump into SMG and Denise, who are also hiding. They run off to the kitchen, where they find Steve Buscemi, who plays a crazy, wise-cracking chef. CYF gives Steve Buscemi one of his Berettas and tells him to protect the girls while he goes off to save the day.
Chow Yun Fat wanders the campus, and bumps into some of the terrorists starting an arcane ritual. He quickly gets into a shoot-out with them, and kills one of the high-priests before being chased off by the evil triumpherate of Khan, Duhm, and Sanchez, and their top lt, played by Jet Li. As they discuss how CYF could ruin things, Nick appears and offers to kill him for them. Jet Li smirks and they trade dangerous evil glances. The council says,"That's enough!" and tells them to both go after him.
We glance outside to see Bruce Willis and Mel Gibson, who play two crazy but good cops, who've been demoted to patrolling. They are sent to the girl's school to check out a report of vandalism. The police thinks the whole ordeal is just some crazy kids causing trouble. Thinking this is a shit assignment, Mel and Bruce check it out and see that trouble is a brewing. They enter the school for a better look.
Meanwhile, Denise and SMG work on Buscemi. They seduce him, get the gun and kill them. It is revealed they are the handmaidens of the council and Jennifer is to be sacrificed to open the dark portal.
CYF on the other hand is in the dining room. He opens a kitchen door and walks right into a fancy Jet Li kick. He flies across the room, and quickly dodges Nick's bullets, firing off a few of their own. A fight ensues in the dining room, and just when CYF thinks he's gonna lose because underlings have come to help finish him off, Mel and Bruce storm in killing lots of baddies. In the confusion, Jet Li and Nick get away, and CYF and Bruce and Mel are in a Mexican stand-off. Fortunately, a man dressed in robes appears from the shadows. It is Sam the man. He tells of the betrayal by SMG and Denise. He says Jennifer is the girl who can truly bring balance to the force, and sez they should go and save her. As they go he says, "Get those motherfucking assholes!"
So they sneak into the place where the cult plans to open the gate. On an altar lies Jennifer, with Denise and SMG, clad only in white cloaks stand over her. Kahn, Duhm, and Sanchez are beginning an arcane spell while Jet Li and Nick Cage stand by looking menacing. Just as they finish their spell and are about to plunge a dagger into the supple, unclothed flesh of Jennifer, a invisible force stops them. It is Jennifer, who begins to rise above the altar, shooting fireballs at her captors. Then CYF, Bruce, and Mel storm in Berettas blazing. Obviously, this screws up the ritual and space-time folds in on itself transporting the school to the first ring of the
seventh circle of hell, but not before a truckload of Berettas comes crashing in to be transported also. Our heroes and villans away to find themselves in hell. They must quickly leave and escape, or be trapped there forever. However, as everyone knows, this place is guarded by centaurs who stop anyone from escaping. So, a shootout between the heroes and villans and centaurs, as well as the bad dudes imprisoned here occurs. Cowboys with double barrelled sawed off shotguns and Colt Peacemakers, Mongols on horseback, mad vikings abound. At one point, Mel transitions from a beretta to a claymore and takes on a bunch of Mongols charging on Horseback. CYF, Bruce, Jet, and Nick join forces and kill a bunch of shit, while Jennifer, Denise, and SMG wrestle around in hot oil.
I don't know how to end it yet, but I think it would be a pretty bad ass ending.
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no subject
Date: 2002-03-27 11:36 am (UTC)And mebbe some younger guys. The aforementioned were bad-ass in their days, but they're all pushing 40 or 50. Though after seeing Blade II last Friday, Wesley Snipes would definitely still work. And Connery, Jones, and Montelban were playing old distinguished guys anyways, so that's not a problem. And Samuel L. Jackson is a bad-ass at any age. I'm not into young actors, so I have no idea who'd you'd replace Bruce Willis with, since he said he'll never do an action movie again.
no subject
Date: 2002-03-27 11:47 am (UTC)